Mini-Review: "300" (2007)

Note: There are spoilers contained within this quickie review. Read at your own risk! ;-)

On Friday, March 9th, at midnight, and completely on the fly, I saw the big screen adaptation of Frank Miller's "300." For those of you that aren't big history buffs, Miller's graphic novel (inspired by 1962's "The 300 Spartans") is a retelling of the legendary "Battle of Thermopylae" in which 300 Spartan soldiers (along with nearly a thousand other Greek soldiers from various city-states that have largely been ignored during this small, but crucial battle in the Greco-Persian War) held off the advancement of Xerxes and his horde of Persian soldiers. (Historical accounts are sketchy and the number of Persian troops ranges from 130,000 to 3oo,000, though some have claimed that Xerxes army was a staggering 750,000 to a million strong!) The Spartans held out for several days in the slim mountain pass of Thermopylae (a.k.a. "The Hot Gates," named so for the nearby hot springs) and took the lives of 1o,000 - 15,000 enemy soldiers before being wiped out.

While the Persians may have given up, or continued the battle is unknown because a Greek shepard named Ephialtes sold out his fellow Greeks, allowing the Persians to find a hidden goat trail that led behind the Spartans. To conclude this little history lesson, the 300 Spartans died, but not in vain. Their heroic sacrifice helped rouse the rest of the Greek city-states and (most likely) viciously demoralized the invading Persians. The Greeks would then go on to win a major naval battle against the Persians in the "Battle of Salamis," and would finally crush the Persians in the famous "Battle of Plataea" in which 10,000 Spartan hoplites and roughly 30,000 fellow Greek hoplites (amidst an army of possibly 110,000 strong) routed the remaining Persian army, which permanently kept Persia out of the Greek lands.

Now moving onto the film based on these events, "300" kicks off with a quick overview of King Leonidus' (Gerard Butler) Spartan childhood. After being deemed a viable infant, Leonidus was groomed to become one of Sparta's elite warriors. After we get all of his backstory and see that Leonidus is a proud and loving father and husband, an emissary from Xerxes of Persia arrives in Sparta to lay down some demands by the approaching horde. Leonidus promptly kicks the messenger and his bodyguards into a deep well. A lot of political and spiritual jibba-jabba soon follows as Leonidus seeks information from the oracle (of Delphi?) and contends with the will of the Spartan political council. Getting nowhere, Leonidus chooses 300 of his best Spartan warriors as "bodyguards" and "takes a stroll North" toward Thermopylae. The rest, as they say, is history.

"300" looks beautiful and I personally found it hard to believe that the entire film was shot mostly in front of a green screen. CGI is advancing so much these days and it really shows in "300." The backgrounds, the sweeping views of the Greek countryside, and the massive Persian horde all come to vivid life via today's most advanced computerized special effects. Also impressive are the films battle scenes, which utilize a lot of slow-motion photography (something that apparently annoyed the small circle of "300" naysayers). Countless Persians are impaled by spears, slashed with swords, beheaded, and disemboweled, but the Spartans have a tougher time of it once Xerxes unleashes his Immortals upon the Greek defenders. My only complaint about the battles is that, since they are the highlight of the film and what most people came to see, they should have been longer, if not more plentiful.

But at the same time, I'm glad that the film jumps back and forth to events in Sparta where Leonidus' wife (played by Lena Heady), Queen Gorgo (no relation to the giant floppy-eared aquatic dinosaur who shares the same name ;-) is trying to get the Spartan council's butt in gear in order to send more troops to help her hubby. She eventually succeeds (a bit too late I may add) and ends up with probably one of the best scenes in the film ("This will not be pleasant, and it will not be over quickly!") Yes folks, there is a lot to love here in "300," from beautifully rendered landscapes, to breath-taking battle scenes (some of which feature various deformed human monstrosities as well as monstrous war elephants and rhinos) this movie has it all. The film even provides some intentional and unintentional laughs for viewers.

Here's a list of the films' more humorous moments that come to mind:
1. Queen Gorgo and Leondius' big love scene: This had the audience, made up mostly of men in the 18 - 35 age bracket, laughing out loud. Before Leonidus marches off to war he shares a tender moment with his wife... and then it turns into a hilariously shot and edited porno shoot! It must be seen to be believed!

2. Take no Prisoners!: After the first battle in the pass, Leonidus and his men kill any wounded Persians they find. As Leonidus snacks on an apple and chats with one of his men, you can hear gurgles/screams of death in the background as the first wave of Persian fodder is put out of its misery entirely. My buddy Chris and I had a good time pointing and making bets on which poor bastard was getting impaled in the background next. Hahaha! Good times!

3. Xerxes' first appearance: Oh... my.... god. It is important in any film to have a GOOD villain (and by good I mean someone that looks and acts the part) and "300" fails at having such a thing. When Xerxes first makes his appearance on the screen, the theater erupted in laughter. Half of the crowd saw him as a reject from Stargate SG-1, while the rest saw Xerxes as a prissy drag queen. Definitely not the best type of villain to throw at the manliest of men if I may say so.


Well I guess I'm done talking about the film. I personally enjoyed it though I was underwhelmed after my (thus far) first viewing. The movie has been so hyped that I guess I expected more out of it. (Mainly more battle scenes!) But that's merely a trifle, as I am more than happy to give this big screen epic FOUR out of FIVE 'RADS!' It's got some female nudity, muscled men in mortal combat, a handful of monstrous mongoloids, and one-liners galore. This is mainly a guy flick, so fellas, don't be surprised if your lady friends aren't too enthused with this flick. (Though surprisingly, I've heard quite a few members of the opposite sex say that they enjoyed this flick. Probably due to 300 muscular and nearly naked men, plus I'm sure they loved seeing a strong female character, namely Queen Gorgo.) This is yet another impressive film by director Zack "Dawn of the Dead remake" Snyder, and I can't wait to see what else this guy does next!