Vault Master's Top Ten Cult Christmas Oddities: #9 - Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) 81 minutes / Color / Not Rated a.k.a. Santa Claus Defeats the Aliens

The Plot: It is nearly Christmas-time on Earth and Santa is busy cracking the whip on those diligent elves as they make toys for every boy and girl in the world. But little does Jolly Old Saint Nick know that his operation is being closely watched by alien beings, who intend on capturing Father Christmas in order to bring merriment and joy to the children of Mars. The Martians (i.e. men in goofy green costumes with radio-antennae helmets and green facepaint) led by Kimar, invade the North Pole and kidnap Santa by employing their "advanced" arsenal of weaponry, including a robot named Torg (a relative of Gort's perhaps?) and freeze rays.

Not wanting to see any harm come to his elves, Santa gives himself up and heads back to Mars, along with two stowaways named Billy and Betty. On Mars, Santa is put to work making toys for the green-skinned children, but his job is amazingly boring as he only has to hit a button on a machine in order to instantly create toys. However, all is not well on Mars, for an evil soldier named Voldar thinks that Santa will make his people weak and foolish like the Earthlings, so he sets out on a quest to rid Mars of Kris Kringle.


Voldar sabotages Santa's toy machine then kidnaps that right jolly old elf.... who is actually Dropo, the film's odious comic relief character, in Santa drag. How these guys can't figure out that they have the wrong guy is beyond me, but no one ever said that these alien beings were intelligent. In the end, Voldar's anti-Santa coup is thwarted by Billy, Betty, Bomar, and Girmar (Pia Zadora!). That's right, four children with an arsenal of toys, stops an evil Martian warlord who is armed with a raygun.

With (the obviously humiliated) Voldar captured, Santa completes his mission on Mars, then heads home with his two Earth-brat sidekicks, to bring Christmas to all the good boys and girls. God, this movie is so f*cking stupid..... Amazingly, this awful piece of kid-oriented cinema has built up a large cult following over the years, thanks to its appearance on Mystery Science Theater 3000, where Joel and the bots give this movie a good riffing. Truthfully, I don't think half of us would be too familiar with this film had it not appeared on MST3K and I think I could live with that.


Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is one of the most misleadingly titled films of all time as Santa doesn't declare war on the people of Mars or conquer them in any way. Yeah his good nature and constant Ho-Ho-Ho-ing wins over the majority of his green-skinned captors, but that doesn't really count in my book. The plot is idiotic, the acting atrocious, and the effects and makeup are laughable, but that's partially why this movie has become a staple of many b-movie fans' required Christmas viewing.

As for me though, I'll just stick with that good ole MST3K episode featuring Santa Claus Conquers the Martians and have myself a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year!


Watch Santa Claus Conquers the Martians for free online at YouTube. Just CLICK HERE and enjoy this public domain holiday masterpiece! Also be on the look out for a fresh new riff on this film from the Cinematic Titanic crew, which is made up of all the old stars of the Joel-era of Mystery Science Theater 3000.


Why it made the list: Because moronic Martians go through the trouble of invading Earth, just to kidnap an eccentric fat old man who makes toys for children. Why they couldn't just make their own toys and create their own Santa is beyond me, but like I said, these aliens are f*cking stupid! Also, we get a man-in-polar-bear-suit that attacks two kids, a giant cardboard robot, nuclear curtains powered by colored lighbulbs, and a Santa Claus that may be suffering from the effects of Alzheimer's.

Weirdness Factor: LOW. There's more than enough weirdness present to include this film on the list, but the sheer idiocy of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians pales in comparison to the next eight films on the countdown.

Next up is a little Christmas classic from 1984 that was pulled out of theaters two weeks after opening, due to a major public outcry by concerned (i.e. enraged) parents. To learn more about my choice for number eight on this top ten list, check out my recent podcast at the B-Movie Film Vault!